The Unwritten Rules of Gift-Giving

The rules of gift-giving are seldom acknowledged and hardly ever discussed. They determine what is given, how much is given, and to whom it’s given. The problem is, “unwritten” means those gift-giving rules that may be subject to interpretation—both when dealing with others and also in our minds. It's common to see, even in a single family unit, members with drastically different ideas of "the rules" of gift-giving.

Why is it so important to understand the rules before making a gift list?

Here are a few reasons why it’s so important to understand the unwritten rules:

• Firstly, following just one version can create conflict with loved ones, who might hold a dissimilar view.
• A lot of children take on debt to gift their parents things they will neither require nor use. A determined crafter feels let down when a handmade gift is unwrapped to a dull response from the receiver. Neither of the parties understands the real conflict till they realize the main reason: their difference in opinion about the act of giving.

How to interpret the unwritten gift-giving rules?

Here are the most common rules and their interpretation:

•     Exchanging of gifts must be reciprocal
•     The value of the gift exchanged must be equal
•     Once established, gift exchanges should not change
•     Exchanges should extend to each member of a relationship category

Exchanging of gifts must be reciprocal

Reciprocity is certainly fair, but if applied to all cases, it can get overbearing. We must know where our limits lie when it comes to reciprocity, and get ready accordingly. If we believe in the idea of reciprocating, keeping a few “just in case” gifts aside to be ready for the unavoidable surprise presents is a good idea.

In case reciprocating doesn’t bother us so much, we must keep our focus on our response. It is more likely to bring happiness to the gift giver. The neighbor will leave the house with a smile when we welcome his present with heartfelt thanks.

The value of the gift exchanged must be equal

The concept that gift exchanges should have equal value has several interpretations.  If our version of the rule is that presents should be of equal value, how do we decide what “value” really means? The retail price or the real amount spent? Also, for homemade gifts, should the cost of materials be considered or the amount of time spent in creating the presents?

Once we have analyzed our own thoughts about this rule, we can easily decide what to give.  

Once established, gift exchanges should not change

We must examine our own feelings about the longevity in exchanges. If we feel that the exchanges should continue once established then it’s best to think twice about starting new ones.

We must make sure these exchanges are made only between relationships that are sincere.

Exchanges should extend to each member

Coming up with 30 gifts every year can wreck our budget and mess up our brain. For most people, the act of giving to every member is important. In case reducing the number of gifts or gifting selectively feels wrong, we must think of setting cost limits to lessen the burden.

Ultimately, when it comes down to the rules of gift-giving, there is just one main thing to consider: our own feelings. We must take a hard, long look at our belief system, which will empower us to give consciously and in harmony with our own values. By knowing our stand on such issues, we will be able to address any conflicts with our receivers in a patient, loving way.